Thursday, July 19, 2018

Big Blackie's Ultimate Black Chariot of Blackness!!!!!

Wwwooorrgghhh!!!!!!! OI!!  Listen, you!  I'm Big Blackie!  I come from da darkest part a da Dark Lands to da Black River country as many years ago as I got teef and dat's gotta be...er...4...6...10...9...15 years ago, maybe!  Since den I been fightin' hoomans an' Stunties an' skaavins an' Chaos mootants an' anybody else as makes demselves easy ta get at!
Dis 'ere is me chariot see?  I callit me Ultimate Black Chariot o' Blackness 'cause its more scary if I calls it dat an' it kills stuff better if it's black!!!  What?  C'mon, evverbuddy knows dat!  'S got 3...7...12...I dunno... a lotta boars to a pull it!  An' big old wheels and knives on da front dat's good for stabbin peeple as I drive by!!  Haw Haw!!  'S great!
Now yoo know wot?  I shoulda had me chariot a long time ago.  Long time ago dis bastard Mouse was buildin' it fer me an' was takin a reel long time cause it was a lotta work...see 'e took an Old Glory Orc Chariot and 'e was tinkerin' and doin' all dis stuff wivvit...took the douchey wulves dat came wivvit off and put on some real proper Marauder boars...

...changed out da driver wif a proper citadel/marauder croo...an' 'cause 'e's a big gurl 'e went to da craft store an' bought some dowel and joolree wire to make da harness fer me boars...haw haw!  Went to da craft store...gurly bastard...
Still...I gotta givvit 'im...me chariot looked pretty good until...right at the end when it wuz almost all done?  Da daft bastard dropped it.  Smash!!
So what does Mouse do?  Does 'e fix it?  No!  'E's all feelin' sorry fer imself...trows me chariot inna shoe box an' fergits about it.  Well...Ain't dat a fine howdoyado?  So ere I am sittin' inna box fer two yeers while dis bastard gits over hisself.  "Oh lookit me...I'm Mouse...My life's hard 'cause I broke me miniature chariot....wah wah wahhh..."
Well...fank Da Gods de uvver day Mouse finally grabs his 'sack, gits me outta da box and starts commencin' ta git me chariot all fixed up.  Dese 'ere are me drivers, Farkel an' Snert.  Good boys, allowin' dat dey ain't proper Black Orcs, just regular gurly Orcs.  Steady in a fight, though.  Gotta givvit to 'em!
Dis bastard on da uvver hand...grr...'e 'angs off da back of Da Ultimate Black Chariot 'o Blackness...ever once inna while takes a swipe at some stunty dat's already got run over by da boars an' acts like he did sumfin big...arrghh...woulda killed him a long time ago but the basturd married me dotter so I gotta put up wif him an' pertend like I like 'im a bit while I figger out a way for him to have a conveenyent 'accident'...know what I mean?
Oh!!  Dis 'ere issa good pitcher of me!  Look!  I look pretty good, huh?  Sometimes a boss hasta git out and fight wiv his boys on foot, an' as luck hazzit, da space in da Old Glory Orc Chariot is exactly big enough to hold a 25mm base, so Mouse decided to model me separate so I can ride inna chariot or go ground poundin' wiv' me Black Orc bodyguard.  Mouse is workin on paintin' dem up...dey should be ready before da big snow...Oy!  Lookit me Axe!  Pretty fancy, eh?  'S a magick axe!!  When I wuz casted at da big factry in Engalund dey gave me a little gurly stick wiv some little balls on da end ov it...might be able ta beat yer pet hamster wiv sumfin like dat, but are ya gonna fight Stunties wivvit?  Naw, dat be stoopid!  So Mouse filed and sawed dat liddle stick off and gave me a proper magick axe instead!!!!!  Now Look!!!  WAGGHH!!!   WAGGHH!!  See how dat chops?  Pretty nice huh?  'S great fer hoomies!  Take dis to fight da hoomies, hoomies dey seys, "No, no!!!  Yoo cant do that, I got hooman roights!"  An den I choppem in half!  HAW HAW HAW!  Ain't life grand?
Oy!  'Ere's annuver good pitcher of me...see I got me army banner dere...and dere on me roight is...um...I know 'e's important...a wizzurd or somefin'  but 'e's just a gobbo so I can't remember his name...oh, an' dere's some of me crossbow boy's back der...see 'em?  sharp boys, they is...
Da Last fing a Stuntie sees...WWWWWOOOOORRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

17 comments:

  1. Excellent--appropriately over the top! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Kym! Over the top is what I was going for.

      Delete
  2. Excellent Mr Mouse very nice intro to the Big Boss although he doesn't speak highly of his chariot maker though. ;)
    Cheers

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, V! Yeah he's a bit of a smart ass, but what can you expect?

      Delete
  3. This is cracking! Such a wealth of boars! Truly intimidating.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Haw haw - dat is defnitly a proper chariot!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Thantsants! Haven't heard from you for a while! Good to know that you're still around!

      Delete
  5. This chariot and the story of its creation warms my crooked, evil heart.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Ryder! Good to know that have been encouraging evil. Anyway, glad you enjoyed it.

      Delete
  6. Fan-friggin-tastic story and artwork! WAGGHH!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Buddy! Now that I have a fully functional 3k pt Orc & goblin army and a Chaos army to match, we need to get a game going! I can't remember if I've ever introduced you to the sword & sorcery version of warhammer...

      Delete
    2. Not yet, but let's do it! Aren't you coming down in November for some other nerd stuff and staying at my place? That sounds like a great time to play some fantasyhammer...

      Delete